Something good will come of this, maybe a sitcom:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started from a launching pad,
aboard a Boeing space ship.
Think of the merry mix ups that will occur when astronauts Sunita Williams and Barry “Butch” Wilmore — who rocketed off to the International Space Station in June for what they thought was going to be a three hour tour — become the first Americans to start collecting Social Security in space.
This week NASA confirmed that the Boeing Starliner that sent them into space is a poor bet to bring them back, and they will not return until sometime next year. Probably.
So what do you do? It’s not like you can call the Cosmos branch of AAA, and it probably wouldn't do you any good if you could. “Oh I’m sorry sir, your Basic Plan does not cover directional thrusters. Can I interest you in upgrading to our Platinum level?”
I know the feeling, I had a Chevy Impala like that. It would get you to Pittsburgh, but it would start getting tired on the way home, so it was wise to have a contingency plan. So good for NASA, they do indeed have a contingency plan, but … well, you know it’s not your week when on Monday your spaceship leaves you stranded and on Tuesday you learn that your backup is Elon Musk.
Last time we heard from his Space X company, his rockets were blowing up on the launch pad or self-destructing on their way back down. So it’s like being too drunk to drive, but don’t worry, Dean Martin will give you a lift.
As I understand, though, there’s the experimental side of Space X and then a more dependable side that does all the day-to-day heavy lifting. The problem is that there’s not one of his spaceships that’s going to be in the neighborhood for some time, meaning the astronauts who planned on staying eight days will be up there for at least eight months. You hope they thought to pack their Christmas stockings.
I know, I know, I know, they’re trained for this, they know how to handle adversity. “Space flight is risky, even at its safest and even at its most routine,” said NASA Administrator Bill Nelson. “And a test flight by nature is neither safe, nor routine. And so the decision to keep Butch and Suni aboard the International Space Station and bring the Boeing Starliner home uncrewed is a result of a commitment to safety.”
Butch and Suni? Is that like Butch and Sundance? I don’t know that I want to be in a confined space for eight months with someone nicknamed “Butch.” I guess it’s better than being trapped with someone nicknamed “Psycho,” but still.
And is it me, or does this sound like a quote you give after the crash? “Ladies and gentlemen, space flight is risky, even at its safest and even at its most routine. And a test flight by nature is neither safe, nor … What? It didn’t? They are? You sure about that? Hold on a sec …” ScribbleScribbleScribble. “That’s why we are committed to bringing everyone home safely.”
Their bosses praised the astronauts for being “flexible” and “resilient.” No. Storm drains are resilient. People are not designed to withstand the sort of psychological beating that comes with spending eight months not knowing if you’ll get a ride back home. Even Major Tom thinks that’s cruel.
But then I’d never get on a “test flight” to begin with, particularly not on some rocket that’s being used because Boeing Corp. Test flight. “Hey Butch and Suni, we want to see if Boeing can fly into space without any doors blowing out, you in?”
Yes, and apparently for the long haul.
Good one!